
Episode 1: The NBA's Best Front Office Tandem
Hiring Don Nelson (senior) was shocking enough, but hoops pundits and doom-and-gloom fans alike would eat up the fact that Don Nelson is incapable of using a computer. And so it's our little secret.
Our dynamic was simple: Nellie will dictate basketball emails to me for an hour, then do some shots, then rant incoherently before taking a nap. In that period of time, I do all the actual work running the team. However, Nellie's master plan was reliably on the white board ("that's my -hic kind of technology", he'd say). Right now, he was focusing on a deal that would net us Steve Nash as well as O.J. Mayo. Naturally, he was distraught when he saw the trade talks had been leaked on to RealGM.
"Fuck! The Memphis GM, what's his name - he said to keep these trade talks under wraps. He'll never deal with us again," cried Nelson.
"Now, I don'-"
Nelson interrupted, "Shut up! I'm leaving to go on a bender!"
I smirked. "A bender for you would be..."
"Fuck you!", said the old man as he stormed out, slamming the door and causing a potted plant to fall and shatter.
I needed to make something happen, and fast. I didn't have the heart to tell Nellie that the Grizzlies had no interest in trading their two leading scorers (Mayo to us, and Gay to Phoenix) and so I had to make something else work. I was about to offer Felton, Camby, Oden and Batum until I realized that was crazy. I needed to think outside the box.
I checked to see if anybody else was around, then dialed a number into my phone.
"Hey Liam, my guy, what up dog"
"Not much man. You got it in?"
"The usual? Hells yea man just drop by"
"Great. Thanks Sheed," I said, hanging up. I grabbed Nellie's wallet out of his desk not before seeing something in his inbox:
March 24, 2012 | Donnie Walsh | RE: Marcus Camby available?
Give me a call you fat, drunken fuck.I know your feelings about defense, so was wondering if you wouldn't mind us taking him off your hands...
Attached: trade offer
I searched the wallet and found Nellie's contact book. I cleared my throat, practiced my Don Nelson voice and dialed the number.
Two days later...
...in Hawaii
Don Nelson was on the beach, reading a newspaper with a look of blissful incoherence. 'Oh, something about the Blazers in the paper. Liam must have pulled off the Nash trade', he thought. He turned to the article and as spat mimosa all over it. "Camby to New York?! For who?!" But the paper was ruined.