Page 2; NBA Preview (Real funny stuff)

EIGHT BLURBS FROM THE "ENEMY LINES" SECTION IN SPORTS ILLUSTRATED'S NORMALLY ASTUTE NBA PREVIEW THAT SOUNDED LIKE SOME INTERN MADE THEM UP OVER THESE COMMENTS ACTUALLY COMING FROM AN "ANONYMOUS" NBA SCOUT:

1. Kyle Korver's first step is "quick enough to get him by a guy and create whatever he needs to do."

(Well, except for the Pistons-Sixers playoff series when Korver scored 25 points total in five games because the Pistons decided to guard him. Other than that, this was dead-on.)

2. "I don't buy the criticism that Jermaine O'Neal is too soft."

(Wait, the same Jermaine O'Neal who punched out a Pistons fan and gutted through the 2005 playoffs with a bum shoulder? He's soft? Who said that? This sounds like one of those Paul Maguire arguments where he makes up the argument with himself -- "I'm gonna tell you right now, that was pass interference, that was definitely pass interference ... watch this replay ... wait, that was not pass interference!")

3. "Brian Scalabrine is a high-energy guy who has a nose for the ball. He's a vocal leader and a good passer."

(They forgot to add, "Too bad he sucks." Maybe it was accidentally deleted.)

4. "He was already highly touted, but Emeka Okafor turned out to be even better than expected. Still, he's not a franchise player."

(Um, Okafor was the No. 1 pick in a deep 2004 draft and averaged a 15-10 last season, which is exactly what everyone expected. So if he's not a franchise player, and he's better than everyone expected, and he was a No. 1 pick ... wait, I'm confused.)

5. "Backup point guard Beno Udrih had a terrific rookie year."

(So good that the Spurs benched him in the playoffs and had to drop to a seven-man rotation in the Finals, then signed Nick Van Exel this summer. A job well done.)

6. "Dirk Nowitzki tries defensively, but he's just not very good."

(Actually, he's atrocious. He's a train wreck. He couldn't be worse. I'm getting angry.)

7. "Chemistry is going to be a big issue [with the Clippers]. Four of their starters -- Maggette, Mobley, Cassell and Brand -- are all looking to shoot it when they get it, so the ball isn't circulating a lot."

(Take it from someone who went to 35 Clippers games last year -- there isn't a more unselfish scorer in the league than Elton Brand. You don't have to run any plays for him, and he has no low-post moves -- all of his points come on fast breaks and wide-open jumpers in the flow of the offense. And do you really think Cassell will be hogging the ball in a contract year? Please. I am going to kill a small animal soon.)

8. "Wally Szczerbiak is still an excellent catch-and-shoot player who can hit big shots, but defensively, he's a step slow."

(This is like saying, "Brooke Burns is as beautiful as ever, but from an acting standpoint, she's a step slow." How does this stuff get printed? Let's just move on before my editors take me down with a Taser like Michael Olowokandi.)

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/st ... ons/051102

Read it guys. It's worth it.

that was halarious! i lvoed the bit about larry brown

Larry Brown is 65 years old. When my father turns 65, I don't even want him shoveling snow anymore, much less coaching guys like Crawford, Marbury, Richardson and Curry and dealing with 3 a.m. phone calls from Isiah like, "Good news, I just traded four first-rounders, Penny Hardaway and cash for Zack Randolph!"

2. Carmelo Anthony
Not only are LeBron and Wade leaving him in the dust, but even Darko Milicic is getting some "Leo the Late Bloomer" buzz lately in Detroit. Meanwhile, 'Melo is the Marissa Cooper of that 2004 class -- a strong first season with a ton of promise, followed by a disappointing second season when everything possible went wrong. Of course, Marissa took a major leap in Season 3 of "The OC," suddenly started looking like a woman and seems headed for the Jaclyn Smith Hall of Fame for TV Babes. Good sign for 'Melo. And yes, I think he springs for 25-plus a game this season.

so true..

Brilliant...

This could happen only to the Clippers, and I can't say that strongly enough, so I'm saying it again: This could happen only to the Clippers.

Anyway, they draft a teenage prodigy who sees the floor like no rookie since Jason Kidd -- seriously, it's the most important pick in the 21-year history of the L.A. franchise -- and just as he's starting to get crunch-time minutes, in a 10-month span, he breaks his kneecap, injures his shoulder fighting through a pick, then suffers a "stress tension" in his lower back. The kid isn't even 20 yet and he's damaged goods -- it's almost like becoming a Clipper can single-handedly alter your genetic destiny. Imagine if LeBron ended up on the Clippers two years ago? He would be missing two ACLs and a kidney by now. If the priest from "Amityville Horror" ever came into the Staples Center to perform an exorcism on the Clips, 100,000 mosquitoes would come flying out of nowhere as some scary voice screamed, "Get out! Get out!" Ladies and gentleman, your 2005-06 Los Angeles Clippers!

There's not a smiley for how hard I laughed at that.

2. Sam Cassell to the Clips
Contract year, Livingston insurance, someone who loves taking big shots. Remember, this was a team that lost, like, 25 games in the final minute last season ... and this is a guy who makes 3-pointers in the playoffs, then hops around the court mimicking a giant set of testicles. Let's just say he fills a void. Plus, he looks like "E.T." Huge thumbs-up all around.

Oh. My. God.

Part two is up --> linky

From Part 2:

1. Why did the NBA institute a dress code?
Because David Stern is a genius, that's why. During the busiest sports month of the year (October), the NBA managed to steal mainstream media attention away from the baseball playoffs, the NFL season, college football, the NHL, "Survivor," "Amazing Race," the debut of the "Adam Carolla Project" on TLC, Franz Ferdinand's new album, Kate and Tom's immaculate conception, the first photos of the Federline-Spears baby, Jimmy Snuka's triumphant return to the WWE ... you name it, the NBA dress code overshadowed it. You couldn't ask for better publicity heading into a season.

Which brings me to my point: They could have announced this decision in July, August or September. Instead, they waited until October ... as if they didn't know it would turn into a racial issue (what isn't a racial issue at this point?), or that some players would react poorly, or that millionaire dopes like Marcus Camby would demand a stipend for new clothes, or that Cuban would dress like a homeless man in retaliation. Come on. It was brilliant, it worked, it got people talking and it's just another reason why David Stern should be running the country some day.

(Imagine Stern as president after the New Orleans debacle? You know he would have come up with some convoluted way to knock FEMA off the front pages, something like "President Stern announced today that members of Congress would have to wear white wigs when they were in session like everyone did back in the late-1700s, explaining, 'It's time this country went back to its roots. ... what, you have a problem with America celebrating its roots?'")

Lolz, at all of those

:lol: There's not a smiley for how hard I laughed at that.

2. Sam Cassell to the Clips
Contract year, Livingston insurance, someone who loves taking big shots. Remember, this was a team that lost, like, 25 games in the final minute last season ... and this is a guy who makes 3-pointers in the playoffs, then hops around the court mimicking a giant set of testicles. Let's just say he fills a void. Plus, he looks like "E.T." Huge thumbs-up all around.

Oh. My. God.

I remember when he did that, I was at that game. Good times, good times.

WEST PREDICTIONS:
15. New Orleans (17-65)
14. Portland (23-57)
13. Memphis (31-51)
12. Utah (35-47)
11. Golden State (37-45)
10. Sacramento (39-43)
9. Seattle (41-41)
8. LA Lakers (42-40)
7. Phoenix (43-39)
6. Minnesota (44-38)
5. LA Clippers (45-37)
4. Denver (49-33)
3. Houston (53-39)
2. Dallas (63-19)
1. San Antonio (70-12)

rockets going to play 10 extra games

The second one is just as funny.

6. Marv Albert, Nets Announcer
Has there ever been a TV scenario quite like Marv doing Nets games on the Yes Network, the same network named after his catch phrase? We will be back on ... YES! Right after this! Is that why he chose to go there? I mean, if there was an Oh, My! Network, wouldn't Dick Enberg have to work for it? What about a Boo Yeah Network and Stu Scott? I really think Marv wanted this just so he could run into random people at cocktail parties and have exchanges like this:



-- Random: "So, what are you doing now?
-- Marv: "I'm doing some football games on Westwood One. Also calling NBA games on TNT. And, I'm announcing all the Nets games.
-- Random: "Really, what channel?
-- Marv: "Yes!"

And Bill is now calling Kobe 'Mamba'

I didn't really find it funny. Awell, maybe he should stick to talking about TV shows or whatever.

You just hate him 'cause he doesn't like Bogut

nah I hated him a fair while before that. There was a turning point but I can't remember what it was

The testicles comment on Sam Cassell was quite funny. The others were ok

this guy is halarious!!! are all his columns this good?

this guy is halarious!!! are all his columns this good?

Yes, yes they are. If you found that funny you will like all his other stuff. Even the Daily Links from Jaime the Intern. I think it's Jaime, well he's an intern from Atlanta.

good stuff
his stuff about nyk was hilarious