Ladies and Gentlemen, I am here to bring to your attention an evil, heinous entity that has infected the National Basketball Association. His name?
Osama Bean Bryant. I've studied him for quite some time now and have carefully outlined this miscreant's pernicious deeds. I warn you in advance what you are about to read will shock, offend, nauseate and surfeit you in ways that are unimaginable.
- cunningly framed Scott Peterson and also volunteered his services to perform the lethal injection, with the bevel down.
- once when visiting a Children's hospital he gave a 10 year old diabetic a 5 lb. bag of Skittles and a root beer float.
- was the third shooter on the grassy knoll.
- reportedly gave Michael Jackson young actor Haley Joel Osment's (from the movie Sixth Sense) cell phone number and told him to "holla".
- incited the Watts riots in 1965.
- upon meeting legendary boxing great Muhammed Ali, he greeted him with, "So, what's shaking?"
- wrote and directed the movie "Gigli."
- successfully convinced young Ashlee Simpson that it was "okay to lip sync, who's going to find out?"
- shot rappers Notorious B.I.G, Tupac Shakur and gave ODB the 2 bags of white substances found in his stomach via the autopsy.
- the first African-American member of the Klu Klux Klan.
- Bob Marley shot the sheriff, Kobe shot the deputy.
- when Joan of Arc was burned at the stake, Kobe lit the match while singing Lloyd Banks' rap song, "On Fire."
- once giggled uncontrollably when a man in a wheelchair involved in an altercation with a supervisor yelled, "I won't be pushed around!"
- helped Baltimore Ravens' runningback Jamal Lewis broker the drug deal, he recieved an assist for his efforts.
- was responsible for Hurricane Andrew.
- was one of the police officers who bludgeoned and beat Rodney King.
- he was really the culprit who gave Barry Bonds the flakseed oil and clear cream.
- sold singer Whitney Houston crack cocaine.
- He was a personal advisor for the following dictators: Fidel Castro, Augusto Pinochet, Nikolas Ceaucescu, Idi Amin, Pol Pot, Mao Tse-tung, Josef Stalin, Benito Mussolini, Adolph Hitler, Napoleon Bonaparte, Genghis Khan, and Attila the Hun.
- He was responsible for the San Francisco Earthquake of 1906, and the Great Chicago Fire of 1871 (and everyone thought it was Mrs. O’Leary’s cow . . .)
- He said to O.J. Simpson, “I’m really not sure what you were so jealous about, but I guess I could take a stab at it . . . and to Robert Blake, “Your late wife must’ve really gotten on your nerves – of course, that’s just a shot in the dark . . .”
- He sold guns and explosive materials to Columbine H.S. students Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold.
- Knows the location of Jimmy Hoffa's body.
- He turned over “inside” stock trade information to Martha Stewart.
So now I ask you fellow Americans, how can we possibly let this knave continue on his cankerous mission? Thank God there are a few voices of reason out there like
BSPN: The World Wide Leader in Sensationalism who are well aware of this rapscallion. Most notably,
Screamin A. Smith and Dan Pa
TRICK but they cannot do it alone!
Who's with me? WE MUST DESTROY HIM!