Has this ever happened to you? You meet a nice woman, you have a good connection (aka "Chemistry") and end up talking to her for a while. Then you run into her a while later, say hi, and still everything seems great. After running into her a few more times you start to get the idea that she may like you. So then a few weeks later you go to ask her out, but she is cold, distant, and won't say hi. Worse, when you do ask her, she says "Oh, let's just be friends."
Yeah, you got Friendzoned.
But do you know why? Of course, we can all respect the fact that you did not ask her out because you did not want to appear to pushy, too agressive, or just after sex. But did you realize that there is a good chance your lack of action may have sent a very bad message to her. You in fact may have told her "I am not asking you out because you are too fat, too ugly, or too stupid for me." You could also be sending the message of "I am gay, I am sexually inexperienced, or I am taken." Which is worse? Probably the first one, because it's an insult to her. That's right, you may have actually insulted her by not asking her out!
Most men who are confident understand that they must ask a woman out on a date to find out if they have any chemistry with each other. Unless you take that step, you'll never be able to present yourself in the light of being a mature and adult male who is interested in a partner for a mature relationship. And face it, women expect to get hit on by guys. While they may turn you down (by giving excuses or not answering their phone when you call their number) at the same time you did compliment them AND tell them you are a mature and adult male.
And face it, women have been expecting men to hit on them, and when a guy doesn't do that ... it's an insult. It leaves the woman wondering what's wrong. She will most likely doubt her appearance (looks, body, weight) and that's just not a good thing. The role of the man has always been to do two things:
Ask her on a date
Respectfully get a goodnight kiss after the date
Any guy who does not do these two things may present him in a light that in unfavorable to the woman. Quite simply, when you insult a woman or fail to ask her out, she is going to do everything in her power to still treat you nicely. After all, many women are raised that peoples feelings are important, and they do need to take care not to be cruel or mean to you. This may partly explain why women rarely will say "No" when you ask them for their phone number or on a date. Instead, they will make excuses (such as "I have to talk to my brother about something really important.") or simply don't answer or return your phone calls. This is an easier way of saying "No" to the pestering and desperate guy who is after her.
Instead of being cruel to you, and especially in the case of a woman you see frequently (i.e., at school or work) she will realize that your dating and social skills are immature, under developed, and quite frankly child-like. Yes, you have never been taught how to court and date a woman, have you? Just like learning to ride a bike, social skills need to be taught and learned. You will make mistakes along the way, but with practice you will be able to pick out women who do not meet your standards after being with them for only a short time, ask out more attractive and socially skilled women, and have more fun with them as well. However, with your child like social skills, she is going to treat you like a child.
This is where it gets bad. As a "child" to her, she'll be very nice to you. Inviting you over, talking to you on the phone, being nice to you, and basically paying you a fair amount of attention. You, of course, will be confused on why she does not want to take it to the next level, but for her there is NO next level. Just like a mother would never have sex with her son, she will never place you in the realm of sexually active and mature prospects to be with. That is what the father is for - the mature man - and you are not he, and can never be.
How do you know if you are friendzoned? Simple. Any of these are good indicators of being Friendzoned:
No sexual activity with her
Talking on the phone or email for hours
Talking about emotional issues, such as why you are single
Talking about problems, such as depression or stress
Talking about other men or women in romantic situations (i.e., she has a crush on a guy but it's not you)
You pay her way everywhere
You're her personal taxi service
She makes you wait for more than 15 minutes when you meet up
You spend hours shopping with her but she does not buy you anything substantial (i.e., sweater, shoes.)
She goes on dates with other guys
She has a boyfriend
She gives her number to other guys
She flirts with other guys
In case it's not completely obvious, a lack of a mature and intimate relationship is the #1 reason why she is not interested in you. Remember, yuo presented yourself as a sexually nuetered person, like a little boy, and she is interested in an adult, a man, a provider and protector. While she may want children down the line, she probably does not want an emotionally immature and insecure big baby to take care of.
For that very reason alone, it is very important to take note about your behavior. If you do anything that comes across as needy, dependant, or desperate, like a child needing support from his mother, there is a good chance you will turn her off. As the boyfriend/husband you are supposed to be the strong one and provide HER with a shoulder to cry on, protect her, and help her out. Many guys make the mistake of treating their GF/wife like their therapist, which is a very bad move. If you want a therapist, let me point out that dumping all your emotional crap on your woman will quickly drive her away. This is not to say that you can never have a bad day, and you cannot be upset when your dog dies or worse, but you cannot be an insecure and over-emotional little boy.
You have to grow up and act like an adult if you want a mature woman. So, in that regards, think about how you would ask a woman out. What would a mature man do? He'd probably talk to her for a few minutes, determine if he liked her, and then ask for her phone number. He'd tell her that he'd call her and then he would move on to other prospects (women) at the venue and continue on. He knows that not all women are great, and for that reason he needs to keep looking around. After enough dates, he'll pick the best one to stick with. Women expect this, and unless you deliver ... you're not going to be treated like an adult, either.
Just don't do it again. Next time you see her, compliment her on the fact that she seems to be pretty cool, and tell her to give you her phone number and tell her you'll call her and ask her on a date. Notice that you are not asking - you are telling. You may want to try by asking if she has email first, and if she does then have her write it down. As she is writing it down, tell her to put her phone number there.
Now, you need to wait about 5-7 days to call her back, which is why you don't tell her WHEN you're going to call. You want to create a little anticipation so you can judge how interested she is in you.
When you call her, you also need to show her that you are a take-charge kind of guy. Women like to be with a guy who can make decisions, who knows what he wants, and goes for it. So, simply put, you need to know where you are going to take her, and when!
For a first date, it's important to remember that you are NOT trying to entertain her by taking her to a fancy place or the latest opera, NOT trying to show off your financial flexibility by purchasing her time (with dinner, movies, or gifts), and you are NOT going to over-step your boundries and do something that would make her feel like a slut or like you are going to take advantage of her on the first date (read: you're not going to just fuck her.)
The ideal first date is simple - literally! You should offer to take her to a Starbucks or a upscale local bar that is reasonably quiet and clean. A gentleman always pays for his date, and since you don't even know this woman in a romantic sense, you will want to understand that buying every woman a $20 dinner, $9 movie ticket, and $10 in alcohol can be a very expensive proposition. In addition, it deflects from her getting to know you. Taking her to a movie prevents her from talking to you, and from you getting to know her. Inviting her to a movie at your place just screams "I want to fuck you!" which is a bad move for any long term relationship just starting out.
So this is why a nice quiet place is ideal. You want a place where she and you can just talk. You want to invite her so she knows that she is there to be with YOU, and YOU alone. A woman could have an out of town boyfriend, and if you offer dinner and dancing, she's going to know full well that (1) you're an idiot buying her time and (2) you're a sucker who she can take advantage of and then blow off at the end of the night. Don't be the sucker!
Now if you invite her out, you will get one of three responses, like in this example:
Him: Hey, it's Marcus, what's up?
Her: Nothing much, how are you?
Him: I'm great. Hey, how would you like to go on a date with me, say this Thursday to the wonderfully exciting Starbucks at 4th and G streets downtown, say Tuesday at 7:00? I hear they have monster truck racing that night.
Now, you will get one of three responses, as follows:
1. Acceptance
Her: Oooh, yeah, that would be great. I'll bring my ear plugs.
2. Acceptance with a counter offer
Her: Oooh, yeah, that would be great, but I have class that night. Can we do Wednesday instead?
3. Excuse (turn down)
Her: Oooh, yeah, that would be great, but I have class that night.
Notice the first two are acceptance, and she's going to be there. The third one, however, is an EXCUSE. Most women cannot just flat out say "Hey, you know what, I'm just not that into you, so I can't go on a date." or "No." basically. Instead, they give you EXCUSES.
Notice the first two options - a yes and a yes with an excuse BUT also a counter offer. This shows she is interested and wants to see you. But the third one ... no counter offer, just an excuse. Believe me I have heard all sorts of excuses, like...
> I have to have an important talk with my brother
> I'm not sure I can make it
> I have to work
> I have plans already
> I have to floss my teeth
Now you have two opportunities of what to do here. The first it to accept the fact that she may not quite like you yet, or at all for that matter. If you moved too fast and asked her on a date without making small talk and seeing if there was *any* chemistry there, then you deserve to get shot down. You cannot just walk up to a woman, talk for 30-60 seconds, and ask her on a date. You actually have to get to know her a *little* and see if you guys click. So, in that case, you accept the excuse and move on.
The second is to blow through the excuses. This is a show of confidence and may or may not work. In the past, I have heard every stupid excuse and I will totally call her on it. "What? That's the lamest excuse I have ever heard. Is that the best you can do?" or "Come on, I've heard that a million times. You really need to try harder to shoot me down." or "That was really sad. You're not doing anything, and I can tell. What, are you afraid to go out and have a good time? And here I thought you could have been a cool person!" Then you tease her for not being able to have a good time, and see where it goes. If you can do this with confidence you may get a date. But you still have a lot of work to do.
When you do get the date, do pay her way, but don't go some place that is so expensive that she feels obligated in any way. A nice cheap dinner and 2-3 drinks at the most should be about fine. Of course, you want to START with one drink. If at the end of the drink the date is going poorly, you can just finish your drink and call it a night. If things are going good, though, you can move on to other items and keep it going. If things are going bad... you can end it. And you should!
Okay, that's the end of this article. Go read my next article on idea for first dates to get more information on what to do next!
Don't waste that long dude... move on
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