Updated: Oct. 19, 2006
Worth the wait in goals?
As Chelsea bounced around their in-no-way-contrived post-match huddle after beating Barcelona, it was hard not to notice a rather sheepish-looking Andriy Shevchenko, whose side continues to grind out results despite his eighth game without a goal.
Will Sheva ever find the net again? Of course he will. Even the truly woeful Robert Fleck scored the odd goal for Chelsea.
But will he return to the goalscoring force he was at Milan, the player that persuaded Roman Abramovich to splash £30million on a player who was three months short of his 30th birthday? I doubt it.
He is a player in physical decline who has to adjust to an entirely new playing style and a new group of team-mates. He clicked perfectly into the Milan system, while clearly Mourinho's direct, physical side suits Didier Drogba down to the ground, not Shevchenko.
This is not to say that the ex-Milan man isn't good. He is one of the finest goalscorers of the last decade, a player with intelligence, technique and tremendous decisiveness.
But Juan Sebastian Veron and even Hernan Crespo were also deemed to have 'too much quality' to struggle for long in the Premiership. Neither ever really cut it although, by the by, the extent to which Veron failed is greatly exaggerated.
The Ukrainian got his big chance ten minutes into the second half on Wednesday, when Frank Lampard fed him with a great first-time ball, but the striker's first touch was heavy and he ended up shooting over.
The consensus was that it was a chance he would have snaffled in an instant for Milan (probably true) and that it demonstrated his lack of confidence.
The second point might also be true, but how come this is an excuse we allow strikers but not players in other positions? When Titus Bramble drops yet another clanger, it is not because he is short on confidence. It is because he is rubbish.
We like to mythologise the art of scoring goals - for starters, it is considered an art, whereas heading clear from corners is considered donkey work. It is a duel between the striker and the goalkeeper, a test of the player's coolness and ability to deliver under pressure.
But when it comes down to it, scoring goals is a case of whacking the ball into a fairly large area nearly 18 square metres in size. Of course it isn't easy, but neither is the rest of football.
Well, not unless you're Henrique Hilario who, despite making his Chelsea debut, would have had a tougher night picking splinters out of his backside on the bench.
Barcelona failed comprehensively to trouble the third-choice goalkeeper, who was called into action following the injuries to Petr Cech and Carlo Cudicini.
The sickening injuries suffered by those two men made goalkeeping seem like the world's most dangerous profession.
After four days of hearing dire warnings from his manager that a fatality was inevitable, Hilario breezed through proceedings without even once requiring a helmet or a protective coat of armour.
In fact, the game only went to show how unimportant the men between the sticks often are. Victor Valdes has no chance with Drogba's brilliant winner, and neither keeper was forced into anything more than a routine save for the rest of the night.
UEFA statistics show that so far this season the teams have managed anything from two (Bordeaux) to nine (Real Madrid) shots on target per game.
In all there have been 498 shots and 120 goals, meaning that a whopping 24% of shots on target end up in the onion bag. Or to put it another way, goalkeepers save three out of every four attempts that come their way.
In fact it isn't even as good as that for keepers, who are forced into phantom saves just to pad out their statistics. Just about the only intervention of note Hilario made, other than booting the ball repeatedly into the crowd, was to turn Xavi's shot round the post after a brilliant Barcelona move. The replays clearly showed the shot was going wide anyway - but it was deemed 'on target' because a save was made.
The typical Champions League goalkeeper is called into meaningful action a shade over five times each game, and only has to make four saves to put in an above-average performance.
Yes, there are other measures of a goalkeeper's performance. There is the way he deals with crosses, his ability to command his area and whether or not he barks obscenities at defenders when they fail to mark up properly.
Oh, and there's kicking, which Hilario did so badly he suffered just about the ultimate schoolboy indignity late on, when he had to entrust on goal kick to a defender. But he kept a clean sheet, and by just about the only statistical measure going had a great game.
Of course, being football fans we don't really concern ourselves with this kind of thing. We have a natural suspicion of facts and figures, presumably on the age-old basis that 'there's only one statistic that counts'.
But try telling that to Americans, who will happily argue all day about whether On-base Plus Slugging or Runs Created Per 27 Outs is a better way of measuring a baseball player's productivity.
We could learn a lot from US sports and their statistical obsessions. Football stats are on the rise, but they are still treated with caution, while the good stuff (ProZone) comes at a price and is mainly used by coaches and scouts.
Part of the difficulty comes in the flowing nature of the game. American games have frequent, natural breaks in play (whether American football, baseball or basketball), whereas 'soccer' does not.
There is no objective way of measuring whether a pass is short, long or a cross. Can a ball be deemed successful if the recipient gets to it but can't bring it under control? Was that a tackle or an interception? What exactly happened in that goalmouth scramble?
Football is a matter of degrees, whereas if you want to know how many times a baseball hitter has grounded into a double play with no outs and men on first and third bases, you can do that. Obviously it asks profound questions about you as a person, but you can do it.
If we were Americans, we would be able to analyse Andriy Shevchenko using about 35 different statistical categories, from Penalty Box Control Efficiency to Headed Passes Per 90 Minutes Index.
Sadly, we are not, so instead we have to make do with the pundits' assertions that he is much too good not to start scoring.
Stupid asshole. Luckily, Conmebol will only fine the club and suspend the Monumental for 2 games.
just kidding, just kidding 
