If a girl was an NBA team

cool read, on the mark!

http://hoopsperspectives.com/?p=348

This could be amongst the most chauvinistic things I have ever written. Enjoy it, I may get in a lot of trouble…..
Over several beers many moons ago with some good friends, I was counseling a friend prior to making his move on a girl. I decided to impart some scholarly advice that naturally considered every possible aspect of the relationship if it was to be. So I asked the important question; “Which NBA team does she like, because you have to factor this in”. Especially considering my buddy was a die hard Knick’s man, he simply couldn’t have a Laker or a Sixer girl. After all I was a Celtics fan, it was a miracle that we were ever friends at all. Ok…..At this point I’ll just come clean; It wasn’t beer it was tequila……and I was by myself, but I had to set some sort of interesting scene for you.

So lets take it one step further as we often like to do here………

Considering the trials and tribulations of every NBA team it is only natural that the fan rides the wave of emotion along with it. Female sports fans are no exception. But what if girls had the personality of an NBA team? What would she be like? Could you live with her? Would you even want to go near her? For example as a Charlotte Bobcats fan she probably once rooted for the Hornets. Naturally she would have issues with desertion and would be inclined to be clingy. These are the necessary things that an observant sports fan would need to notice about a woman. It could save both parties from a lot of heartbreak. So what would the translation of a franchise personality into a woman be?

Read on:

The Laker Girl: Stunning and slightly neurotic. A knockout hottie that probably has breast implants. What’s worse, she knows she’s the cream of the crop. Has a vindictive streak a mile wide and doesn’t like to share the limelight with other girls. She will also throw public tantrums if she doesn’t get her way if she thinks anyone is paying attention to someone else. Career wise she is highly ambitious and wants to be known as the best at the end of the day. She will change clothes in the middle of the party if it gets her more attention.

The Celtic Girl: Amitriptyline anyone? Talk about moody! One day the sun is shining the next day its dark clouds; a highly charged emotional roller coaster if ever there was one. Honestly, She probably needs a shrink. She comes from a family with generations of beauty contest winners and she’s an obsessed student of the history of the pageants but right now The Celtic Girl is young and still developing into her own. She’s also acutely aware of the external expectations. Celtic Girl can hear everyone whispering about how she is not as pretty as her mother and aunts. Consequently she’s highly defensive and secretly harbors a desire to rush and have some drastic cosmetic surgery to hasten what could be about to blossom naturally anyway. It doesn’t matter what she looks like anyway because personality wise she’s a know all and no-one likes her.

The Knicks Girl: A psychological train wreck. Stay away from this one and that is hard to do because outside she looks good on the outside. Once upon a time people thought she was hot…..Before the breakdown. She’s mostly living in the past because her life at present is bleak at best. Makes impulsive, unexplainable decisions. Constantly shelling out money to take expensive self help courses but as her funds are depleting her decisions never seems to get better. Recently discovered a Sufi Guru who demanded she get her shit sorted out in a year but it looks like she’s going to take more than just spiritual giudance to get back to former glory, even at such an early stage in the 1 year rehab.

The Pistons Girl: Like Charlize Theron in North Country this girl will probably go work in a mine. Likes to work hard just because. That’s the way she does things. Don’t try getting tough with her because she will give you a beat down like Della Reese in Harlem Nights.



The Pistons Girl In Full Flight.

The Cavs Girl: After spending may years recovering from some repeatedly traumatic events this girl seems to have new hope for the future. Underneath that hope, deep down, she’s not telling you that she’s gripped by fear that you will leave her for someone better and the world will go back to “the old days”. This translates to the human equivalent of repeated psychological abuse. Treat her well and she will blossom into a stable, maybe even spectacular girlfriend.


The Sixers Girl: Everything is great at the beginning. She has high expectations and works hard to make things happen. Sadly she’s from a family with unrealistic expectations. It goes like this; She starts out nice, nothing is too much trouble, much like Kathy Bates in Misery. Nothing is ever good enough. So what happens? A pressure cooker chick and you don’t want to be around when it blows. Push the wrong buttons on this one and you will find yourself on the end of a venomous bite. Handle with care.

The Mavs Girl: A fun chick, probably the most fun at the party. Did I mention she’s also loaded? Likes to spend up big time because she’s loaded but from time to time makes silly decisions based on impulsive frugality that result in her missing a truly great deal. The good thing about this girl is that her pursuit of a good time is above all. Sure, she’s got a big mouth but that has benefits as well. She knows what she wants and knows what you want better than you do. On the down side, fun like this can’t last forever.


The Bulls Girl: Think Anna Nicole Smith. Once super hot. Then not at all hot seemingly overnight. Then suddenly hot again, but crazy. (That’s where the parallels diverge on this one). Quite simply, the Bulls girl has really gone from being the chick who has it all to the chick who lost it all, found it again and now is trying to prove she got her groove back. That’s gotta be enough to make anyone a little nuts.

The Clippers Girl: Talk about cheap. The younger sister of the Laker Girl is still attractive but just doesn’t know how to package herself. This chick is good looking enough but has spent her whole life buying bad second hand clothes and getting poorly fitting hand me downs which detracts from her potentially great image. However, like the LA weather, there are some fringe benefits with this chick that make you look past the shabby exterior, she’s cool to hang with most of the time. Then one day, out of the blue, Clipper Girl finally decided to shell out on some nice gear and like Cinderella, she becomes the baddest woman on the planet for a split second. Now the problem is, as we all know, the clock will strike midnight. When will that happen?

The Blazers Girl: Years of “being the bridesmaid and never the bride” turned this girl a tad screwy. You wouldn’t exactly describe the Blazers girl as a career criminal but let’s just say she has a “chequered past”. Sure she’s dabbled in drugs and guns, but never in a major way, and now she seems to have her life straight while practically is begging for a second chance. You want to like her but the trust doesn’t come easily, you are always afraid to leave her alone for too long for fear of her burning down the garage or stealing the neighbour’s car. Providing you keep her busy with constructive activities she’ll continue to make you proud with her lap dances and genuine efforts towards the relationship.

The Nuggets Girl: There is certainly something special about this one. Nuggets girls is almost like Brittany Murphy. The chubby sidekick years ago who becomes the skinny main girl after a few drastic diets. Nuggets girl doesn’t get the attention she probably deserves now but she really has to prove she is more than just a pretty face.

The Pacers Girl: She used to like to drink and fight strangers for no reason but a virtual lobotomy put paid to that craziness. Now she seems to be on the mend but she just doesn’t have the spirit of old. You keep thinking about leaving her but she promises to do anything to keep you

The Kings Girl: Fun but a little confused about her place in the world. She’s like the girl who always came third in the bikini contest. Always very fine, just not enough to get known. Because of that she got a Kate Moss complex, went a little bananas on the hard stuff and now looks a little ragged. She’s trying to clean herself up again, working out regularly and seems to be putting the best foot forward, but her perennial tendency towards the hard party really prevents her from reclaiming her former glory. Plus she keeps threatening everyone she’ll move cities, just so she can party more.

The Suns Girl: You have to be happy with this girl because she’s like the current “it” girl and she’s yours. Strangley enough though, she peaked late. Much like a popular sports car, the Suns Girl will probably be found on the cover of magazines and automatically makes all her girlfriends look better simply by hanging with them. Lives a fast paced life and seems to have it all. Even looks great when she compulsively goes and gets a crazy haircut. The only question is when is age going to catch up to her? She’s already shown she’s not the spring chicken she once was, but should still look pretty good for a few years yet. Just enjoy it while you can.

The Jazz Girl: Boring. Not pretty to look at but gets the job done. Sure you appreciate it at the time but as soon as something with a bit more penache comes along you’ll be on it for sure.

The Rockets Girl: Always hurt or sick. Great at her job but she misses a lot of days and as a result everyone thinks she’s a flake. Needs to learn to ’suck it up’ as the expectation of what seems like a bazillion people is on her shoulders.

The Wizards Girl: Doesn’t like to leave home for long stretches. How do you say “crazy deep stroke, hot and knows how to finish” in a non-dirty sounding way? You can’t. That’s Wizards girl.

The Heat Girl: She drives you crazy. The girl is hot but has some bad habits. She doesn’t look after herself physically and always seems to leave getting ready to go out until the very last minute but then she throws something on before you hit the town and looks amazing so you cant complain. Makes grand promises and doesn’t seem to work very hard but always seems to deliver. Capable of pulling off some ‘moves’ that are simply unbelievable which makes things all the more interesting. To make things worse her old man is a hard bastard who likes to mess with you. Eventually her penchant for doing things her way will wear you out and you might have to break off the relationship. Likes handcuffs.

The Bucks Girl: Who? The Bucks Girl. Who?? Yes the Plain Jane from a small town that quietly goes about her business without much notice.


The Raptors Girl: Raptor Girl is like the “transitional” girlfriend, a great time filler but long term it’s not for most. She’s liberal, open minded and has a penchant for multiculturalism. Everything a nice guy could want. That’s half the problem……you’re not. She’s a complete pushover and no-one really likes her but not really for any good reason. After 5 minutes with her most people would rather be somewhere else. It’s not like she’s boring or ugly or anything like that, it’s just that really everyone would rather be somewhere else……

The Magic Girl: The term a “couple of footy seasons” often applies to the youngsters and those couple of seasons have passed. Just entering her prime she has a hoarde of drooling idiots at every turn. She’s of such good character that she’d never mess around yet she’s going to be the covergirl of the next 10 years. Eventually she’ll get pulled over for drink driving or something like that, after all no-one is perfect. But right now she’s squeaky clean.

The Timberwolves Girl: She’s not high maintenance and doesn’t complain but you have to beware with Wolves Girl because she tends to bottle her emotions somewhat. This girl, in contrast to her verbal denials, is in a constant state of frustration. She goes from one failed relationship to the next and just can’t get that right guy. One time she had a great guy but just when it seemed to be all going well, he up and left and she has never been the same since. It’s difficult to figure out because on the outside she seems to have it all. Her friends seem to have her figured out though and despite her statments to the contrary, believe she wants to leave relationships once she is in them for want of something better.

It's pretty accurate. It'd be better if they dropped some of the obvious compairisons though.