"The Draft" on slamonline.com

Lang Whitaker and Sam the intern created a mock draft in which they couldn't select any basketball players. They don't have to play sports (but most of them do). Hilarity insues. Well, not hilarity, but it's pretty good.

SAM: With the first pick, the Milwaukee Bucks select... Brett Favre! He is the greatest thing since sliced cheese to hit that state. Even if he throws a million picks in playoff games and belittles his teammates that don't get Brett Favre money. Atlanta is on the clock.

LANG: With the second pick in the 2005 NBA Draft, the Atlanta Hawks select.....Ron Mex, er, Michael Vick! Vick will play the point for the Hawks next season, throwing amazing overhand passes all over the place and outquicking the rest of the Southeastern Division. You thought D-Wade was fast? Just wait. Most importantly, Vick will bring 'em out to like T.I. to the games.

SAM: With the 3rd pick, the Portland Trailblazers select... Ricky Williams! They need someone that can run with Bassy, has decent hands, and would be a good fit in the state with the highest unemployment in the country where a lot of people live in tents. He would be a living, breathing, cautionary tale for Darius and Zach Randolph. Most importantly, he would fit right in with the Blazer mentality... if you know what I mean.

LANG: With the 4th pick, the New Orleans Hornets select...Freddy Adu! Sure, he's only like 5-7 or so, but they could team him with JR Smith to make the youngest backcourt in League history. Plus, owner George Shinn wants to thumb his nose at this new age limit thing.

SAM: With the 5th pick, the Charlotte Bobcats select... Albert Pujols! The man that really calls the shots for Bernie Bickerstaff, partial team owner Nelly, brings a young star from St. Louis down to the Carolinas. The Bobcats need scoring, and Pujols is a machine.

LANG: With the 6th pick, the Utah Jazz select...Donny Osmond! That's right, Utah's native son returns home. Don't forget, he's multi-talented (singer, dancer, actor), and he has the looks to rejuvenate a dormant fan base.

SAM: With the 7th pick, the Toronto Raptors select... Eric Lindross! He was super-talented, the next great one, but he was really soft and always injured. They love guys like that up in Toronto! He can't play hockey anymore cause the next hit will kill him, but this is just b-ball.

LANG: With the 8th pick, the New York Knicks select... Randy Johnson! The Big Unit immediately becomes the tallest player on the Knicks roster. (In a press conference following the draft, Knicks president Isiah Thomas announced his intention to transform Johnson into a point guard.)

SAM: With the 9th pick, the Golden State Warriors select... Warren Sapp! He's already nearby in Oakland, and even being 6-2, 300 pounds, totally overrated and washed up, he's still a better center than Adonal Foyle. And he can push L'il Dun to new heights in the facial expression game.

LANG: With the 10th pick, we turn things over to SLAM editor-in-chief and Lakers fan Ryan Jones, who says: The Los Angeles Lakers select... Columbia University economist Jeffrey Sachs, whose willingness to tackle pressing social issues and formulate solutions to complicated global challenges makes him a perfect addition to this f*cked-up team. Partially, this is a protest to you and Sam making all these predictable football picks, but I do think Sachs would keep Phil and Kobe on their toes. Also, I hear he's money from mid-range.

SAM: With the 11th pick, the Orlando Magic select... Orlando Bloom! They need perimeter shooting and he was deadly from long range with a bow and arrow in Lord of the Rings, he's been in a bunch of pirate/crusade movies so he'll be right at home at Disney and Universal Studios, and obviously the first name is a marketing bonanza. Predict that!

LANG: With the 12th pick, the Los Angeles Clippers select... Jerry West! West was teammates with Clips GM Elgin Baylor on the 1965 L.A. Lakers, and at this point, anyone who knows personnel is a help.

SAM: With the 13th pick, the Charlotte Bobcats select... Bobcat Goldthwait. Yes, I am really pushing it with these draft picks completely based on someone's first name. But Goldthwait would be unguardable. Could you stay with him for 48 minutes? I'd rather let him score than have to listen to him talk. The combo of Emeka, the rest of the Bobcats, and Bobcat would be the good, the bad, and the ugly.

LANG: With the 14th pick, the Minnesota T-Wolves select... Kirby Puckett! The Kirbster was probably the most popular athlete in Minnesota in decades. And now with his current, um, issues and stuff, he'll provide a welcome distraction from the shenanigans of Sprewell and Cassell.

SAM: With the 15th pick, the New Jersey Nets select... TJ Kidd! F^$k an age limit!

LANG: With the 16th pick, the Toronto Raptors select... Isiah Thomas! The team's original president and architect returns. Besides, it's not like he can do any worse than the Babcocks.

SAM: With the 17th pick, the Indiana Pacers select... Mike Tyson! Ron Ron needs a positive mentor. And lets see those Detroit fans fight back now. He'll bite ya.

LANG: With the 18th pick, the Celtics select... Will Hunting! The mathematical GZA will be charged with drawing up algorhythms to ensure victory for the C's.

SAM: With the 19th pick, the Memphis Grizzlies select...Project Pat from Three Six Mafia! They need toughness, and he's getting out of jail in July.

LANG: With the 20th pick, the Denver Nuggets select... Asafa Powell! The World's Fastest man will set up on the wing and fly around, dizzying opponents in the Mile High City. Plus Powell will enjoy the high altitude training.

SAM: With the 21st pick, the Phoenix Suns select... Karl Marx! It was his communist philosophy that inspired Steve Nash to share the ball so unselfishly.

LANG: With the 22nd pick, the Denver Nuggets select Louis Williams, high schooler out of the ATL. Wait, we're not supposed to draft basketball players? Oh. Well, just don't be surprised.

SAM: With the 23rd pick, the Sacramento Kings select... Donovan McNabb! He's great in the running game, gives them even more regular season toughness than Brad Miller, and dry heaves like the rest of them in big games.

LANG: With the 24th pick, the Houston Rockets select... Fang Feng Di. That's right, Yao Ming's pops, who played pro ball in China for decades and will serve to provide balance in the Toyota Center.

SAM: With the 25th pick, the Seattle Supersonics select... Kurt Cobain! Sure, he's no longer with us, but he was just as dominant as Shawn Kemp, Griffey, any of the Seattle stars over the years. And he would never allow a contract dispute to linger all year like Ray Allen.

LANG: With the 26th pick, the Detroit Pistons select... Martha Stewart! She's the only person around who understands Larry Brown's shady business dealings. Plus she's American, so she stands a better chance than Darko, Delfino or Arroyo of actually cracking LB's rotation.

SAM: With the 27th pick, the Utah Jazz select... DJ Jazzy Jeff! Hey, someone's got to make that team name make sense.

LANG: With the 28th pick, the San Antonio Spurs select... David Beckham! Becks will not only add to the Spurs' international galaxy of stars, but he'll also be awesome at standing on the wing and swinging the ball in to Duncan.

SAM: With the 29th pick, the Miami Heat select... Jamie Foxx! He's already on their team, but if they take him this low in the draft, they won't have to pay him as much.

LANG: With the 30th and final pick of the first round, the New York Knicks select... Donald Trump! Trump immediately announced, "The New York Knicks are the finest organization in sports, with an unsurpassed commitment to excellence and a glittering track record. I'm excited to be involved with a general manager the calibur of Isiah Thomas." Reporters in the back of the room were said to be excited about the prospect of Melania on the front row.

lmao at alot of those picks. Great sarcasm and Good find!

SAM: With the 17th pick, the Indiana Pacers select... Mike Tyson! Ron Ron needs a positive mentor. And lets see those Detroit fans fight back now. He'll bite ya