Christie and his wife arent gettin along (humor)

Doug Christie Suddenly Realizes Wife Isn’t All That Hot

SACRAMENTO, CA - Doug Christie, forward for the Sacramento Kings, has just realized that his wife, Jackie, isn’t all that hot. The star player has been joined at the hip with his spouse since they were married in 1994, and has subjected himself to countless indignities to keep her happy. But after years of letting Jackie rule him with an iron fist, Doug is having second thoughts. It may turn out, after all, that his wife isn’t worth the trouble.

“You know, I’ve never really looked at my wife with an impartial eye,” Christie said to reporters after Monday’s practice. “I kind of looked at her with a mixture of worship and puppy love. But after staring at her all these years and comparing her to the other players’ wives, I suddenly realized she really wasn’t anything special. Certainly not special enough to put up with the kind of physical and mental torture she’s been heaping on me for years.”

The defining moment for Christie occurred at the All-Star game in Los Angeles last weekend. After getting into a vicious argument with his wife over his perceived flirtation with his sister Sarah, Doug went to the festivities on his own. Still smarting from the verbal abuse he received during the argument, Christie started to see things “more clearly.”

“Boy, was I mad at her. To accuse me of flirting with my own sister – that’s crossing a line. That would be incest. I started thinking to myself ‘What kind of psychopath did I marry?’ Then I got an eyeful of some of the other guys’ wives and holy (bleep), these girls were hot. Dirk Nowitski was with some blonde, blue-eyed nordic goddess. C-Webb was with that chocolate beauty, Tyra Banks. Even that dork Scott Pollard had a pretty hot wife. I guess I never noticed because I never allowed myself to gaze at other girls. Well, that’s all changing now.”

“It also make me rethink my attraction to my wife,” he continued. “I took out a picture of her and stared at it for a moment, then compared it to some of the other wives and girlfriends. My wife’s pretty and all, don’t get me wrong. But for the amount of (bleep) I put up with, she should be Miss Frigging America. She’s not. She’s average.”

Christie also pointed out that he's not a shallow man who is totally consumed with physical beauty. But his wife is so lacking in pleasant personality traits that she would need to be “unbelievably fine” to justify the marriage.

“Hey, if she was average looking and a super sweetheart, it would be all good,” said Christie. “I mean hell, I’m not the most beautiful human being on the planet. Just look at these God-awful tattoos. Aren’t they the worst things you’ve ever seen? Nevertheless, if a girl isn’t beautiful and she has a terrible personality, she brings nothing to the table.”

Roger Bingham, acclaimed marriage counselor and author of the book To Have and to Hold: The Psychology of Marriage, explained that some people live with their spouse for years and never actually “know them.”

“Many married couples stay content for years before realizing that they just aren’t meant for each other. There are a variety of reasons for this phenomenon. Sometimes people get married young, then grow apart. Sometimes couples never bother to analyze their relationships until its too late, and sometimes one spouse realizes that staying with his mediocre wife is not worth a lifetime of systematic torture and humiliation”

Christie’s teammates have applauded his new outlook. For years, they have watched their friend endure his lousy marriage with a mixture of confusion and pity. Nobody could ever quite understand why he put up with it, since his wife is considered to be an average looking woman.

“I never really did understand the fixation he had with her,” said teammate Vlade Divac. “Everywhere he went, she was with him. Every conversation we had would somehow come back to her. It was like he was under hypnosis or something. I always said if I’m going to be horribly obsessed with a woman and subjugate myself to her, she better be a goddess. But Jackie, she’s just a regular girl - with all the charm and personality of a Muslim extremist.”

Teammate Mike Bibby hopes Christie’s change of heart will lead him to divorce his wife and start enjoying life a little.

“You wouldn’t believe the amount of groupies that want to do Doug,” said Bibby. “Everytime we hit the road, there’s a crowd of hot young girls waiting for an autograph. Of course, he passes by them because his freak wife is always there. If he divorces her, he’s gonna have the time of his life. I have a feeling that once he gets a taste of the single life, he’ll be challenging Wilt Chamberlain’s sex record.”

Despite Bibby’s hopes, Doug Christie is still undecided about how he wants to address the crisis with his spouse. Though divorce seems the most logical scenario, he dreads taking the plunge and admitting that his marriage was a mistake.

“Its tough to swallow, that’s for sure. It’ll be hard to admit to everyone that I was wrong and they were right. Plus, you know, you live with someone for so many years and you get attached. Even though she’s a shrill, evil, frigid (bleep) goddess, she’s still my wife. Plus, she’s insane. I can’t imagine what she would do if I ever brought up the subject of divorce. She’d make that chick from Fatal Attraction look like Mary (bleep) Poppins.”

That's just funny Here is another article about his wife getting jealous of a female doctor:

Jackie Christie Refuses To Let Female Doctor Save Husband’s Life

SACRAMENTO--Jackie Christie, wife of NBA star Doug Christie, refused to let a female doctor save her husband’s life Saturday when he nearly choked to death during a dinner at the Pilothouse Restaurant in Sacramento. Christie frantically screamed for a doctor after her husband began gagging on a chicken bone, but when Clarissa Jordan, a 41-year-old female doctor, rushed to his aid, Christie grew agitated. She reportedly told Jordan to “back off” even as Doug’s face turned purple and his breath came out in short, labored gasps.

Bystanders watched in horror as Jackie Christie calmly waited for a male patron to save her husband’s life. Luckily, Sanjay Mehta, a local medical student who was sitting at the bar in an adjacent room, was able to apply the Heimlich maneuver just in time to avert a tragedy. The chicken bone came up, and Jackie defended her decision not to let a female doctor save her husband.

“Miss Clarissa Jordan, or whatever her name is, came running over like a poodle in heat,” said Christie. “I could tell she was lusting after my husband, which is why I wouldn’t let her near him. Sure, she’s a doctor, but that’s a great way to get her little tongue down my husband’s throat. Believe me, I’m no fool. Plus, my husband would never want a female doctor saving his life. He’d feel too guilty having another woman lay her hands on him. He’d rather die. I’m sure of it.”

Bystanders reported that Christie was not satisfied to simply wave Jordan away. Instead, she began beating the woman with her purse until the horrified doctor fled in terror. Christie said those claims were exaggerated, but did admit to “getting physical with her.”

“I wouldn’t say I beat her that hard. I just was trying to deter her from her ultimate goal of having sex with my dying husband,” said Christie. “Yes, I hit her a couple time with my purse, but I had to. The woman was relentless! She kept saying ‘He’s going to die! He’s going to die!’ And I was like ‘Whatever, *****. Keep your hands to yourself.’”

After Jordan fled the scene, another female attempted to call 9-1-1, but she, too, was thwarted by Jackie Christie. The women, 29-year-old waitress Cheryl Malcolm, insisted that she was just trying to help.

“After that woman [Jordan] got beat up, I realized Doug was still choking,” she said. “So I ran over, grabbed my cell phone and started dialing 9-1-1. Then [Christie] slapped the phone out of my hand and told me to mind my business and stop looking at her husband like that. I had no idea what she was talking about. I would never look at that guy in a sexual way. Gross.”

After Malcolm was turned away, it looked like the end for Doug Christie. The Kings forward lay in a heap on the floor, his face bulging and red, his fists clenched, and his throat clogged with a large chicken bone, while Jackie sat with her arms folded and waited.

“I don’t know the Heimlich maneuver or anything like that, so I didn’t want to try anything that would hurt my baby,” said Christie. “I was getting a little nervous, especially when his eyes started bulging out of his head, but I knew if I waited long enough, some guy would come along and save him. If not, Doug would have been killed. But it’s Ok. I made him promise to come back and haunt me after he dies.”

Dr. Mehta was summoned into the room by a frantic patron who witnessed the choking. After he administered the Heimlich to Christie, he noted that if another moment had passed, Doug would’ve surely perished.

“I am extremely surprised that this man’s wife did now allow Miss Jordan to save his life,” said Mehta. “If another minute had gone by, he would surely be dead. In my country, this mad woman would have her hands cut off and her vagina sewn shut.”

After being revived, Doug hugged his wife and breathed a sigh of relief. He thanked Dr. Mehta for saving his life, and recalled the final moments before he was rescued.

“Whew, that was a close call,” said Christie, wiping the sweat off his brow. “I actually saw scenes from my life flashing by. The funny thing was that my wife was in all of the scenes, even the ones from my childhood before I met her. She was just there in the background with her arms folded, shaking her head disapprovingly. Huh. I bet a shrink would have a field day with that one, huh? A male shrink, of course.”

After thanking Dr. Mehta, Christie also offered some words of gratitude to his wife.

“Although I am glad to be alive, I’m equally glad that my wife spared me the indignity of having another woman give me the Heimlich,” he continued. “That would’ve been catastrophic. Even if I had lived, what kind of life what that have been, knowing that I looked at, and briefly touched, another woman? I guess it would be kind of a normal life, actually. Anyway, that’s the last time I ever eat chicken.”

In order to avoid future incidents like the one that took place at the Pilothouse, the Christies have decided never to eat in a public place again.

“There’s a lot of danger to eating in public,” said Doug. “The outside world is fraught with peril. You never know, you could be sitting there eating, minding your business, and a chicken bone could get lodged in your throat causing you to need assistance from a female doctor or paramedic. Don’t laugh. It happened to us, and it could happen to you.”

his wife is crazy..

Lol, good fiction writer .

Do you have a source?

Just curious where you this from.

haha mafia did you write that? or did someone else?

that can't be true.
You just don't go sayng stuff about your wife like that. Plus I don't think his teammates would put down his wife and tell him to go for other girls.

It isn't true. It's a bit of a satire, except it's not attacking a government or political institution of some sort, instead it's making fun of Christie and his wife's relationship.

No I didn't write that. I just got it form someone else and I don't see why someone would take the time out to write 2 long articles like that. I was thinking myself that it was fake, but I don't know. It may be fake.

You wxould be surprised of how many people have nothing better to do than write something like that.

I pretty much think this is fake.

sbhzmafia , if you don't have proof and think it's fake would you please note that it's fake or you're not sure if it's real so people don't get confused.

Thanks

How many gullible people are there on here? That is obviously satire of the kind that Tales posted a few days ago.

well still posting false info is kinda bad, might as well make a thread just for fake stuff like this so we all know its fake and not new news.

pictures of his wife please

pictures of his wife please

http://www.google.com

Since I'm a generous person, here:



Her clothing line site:

http://www.jackiechristie.com

http://www.jackiechristie.com/mission.html

http://www.jackiechristie.com/biography.html

http://www.jackiechristie.com/fashionhouse.html

http://www.jackiechristie.com/release.html

Some of her pics are there...

The story in fact is a fake, from the same site Tales got his LJ story.

http://www.thebrushback.com/christiewife_full.htm

Doug, you play in the NBA, you shouldn’t be designing purses. You don’t need the extra money and more importantly, you should be ashamed of yourself.

What’s next, bras?

http://www.jimrome.com/archives/11142003/article/article_2.html

A spokeswoman for the Sacramento Kings who was let go last autumn has sued the Kings organization, player Doug Christie and his wife, Jackie, alleging harassment and discrimination that she contends resulted from Christie's practice of avoiding contact with all women but his wife.

http://www.bizjournals.com/sacramento/stories/2003/06/30/story2.html?page=1

The things you find online.

That bitch is fugly.

I think Rick Fox wrote them.

Yeah, and no writer in their right mind would write that ish... That would be career suicide. BUT it was so funny though...
Also, teammates would not have the balls to publicly talk that way about his wife.

my fave part:

Christie also pointed out that he's not a shallow man who is totally consumed with physical beauty. But his wife is so lacking in pleasant personality traits that she would need to be “unbelievably fine” to justify the marriage.

I never really did understand the fixation he had with her,” said teammate Vlade Divac. “Everywhere he went, she was with him. Every conversation we had would somehow come back to her. It was like he was under hypnosis or something. I always said if I’m going to be horribly obsessed with a woman and subjugate myself to her, she better be a goddess. But Jackie, she’s just a regular girl - with all the charm and personality of a Muslim extremist.”

heheh vlade

I bet this article is legit, she is a controlling slut.. i wouldnt mind thrasing her tho... imagine if kobe saw her in a hotel room... uh oh

I bet this is from the same site as the one about T-mac wanting to break both of Wilt Chaimberlain's records.

*sigh* Do people read anymore?

In my previous post I stated that this article is indeed a fake, it's from the same site that published the LeBron James hiring Boozer story.

*sigh* Do people read anymore?

Nope . I counted 3 times when someone linked to the Gooden-Battie trade a few posts after I did. Funny.

This is obviously fake- does anyone know who writes these articles yet?

They are real sad ppl!

This is obviously fake

You're kidding me Sherlock, after we said it like a gazillion times and actually gave you the link to where the story is from? (The same fake story site.)

good stuff. i wonder if any of his teammates ever say anything about his wife's tactics