Nellieball Chronicles
Chapter 2: Los Warriors
Liam Washburn had just started Solitaire game #577 of his NBA career when Ricky Rubio entered his office.
"Hey Ricky! Whats up? How's America treating you?", Washburn said, greeting the young Spaniard.
"Eh, es good, good. I quiero Golden State very much but, eh, I is how you say... lonely. Mi best friend Rudy Fernandez is en Portville y there is no Spain players in los Warriors," Rubio complained.
"I see. Well, I'm afraid Rudy might be difficult to acquire. We're shopping a couple players, but I can't make any guarantees", Liam said sympathetically.
"Well, Joventut habla they would, how you say, waive the buyout y I voy to Spain."
"Ah, I see. That's how it is, huh? Well, I can't guarantee it'll happen immediately but I'll do my best," offered Washburn.
"Dos weeks," Rubio said firmly, holding up two fingers.
"Tres?"
"Dos," Ricky said, leaving the room.
"Fuck," Liam said, returning to his game.
Days later, at practice...
Don Nelson set up a white board with a bunch of elaborate diagrams. Okay, gather round gang, I have a new lineup I want to show you. Its called the bizarro 5. Andris will play the point, Anthony the 2, Captain Jack... still the 3, then Monta and Steve playing the Power Forward and Center positions respectively. I expect this will destroy defenses with mismatches and get us that championship trophy!," the coach exclaimed enthusiastically.
"I don't thi-", Steve Nash began to say before being cut off by Monta Ellis: "It's brilliant!"
"I know, I'm a god damn genius", Nelson grinned.
Just then, Liam Washburn emerged in the practice gym, and whispered something in coach Nelson's ear.
"Okay guys, there has been a trade," said Nellie.
All the players gasped, Randolph started to cry, Darko shouted obscenities in his native tongue and Captain Jack instinctively pull out one of his pistols.
"Ronnie, you're headed to Portland. Corey, Marco, you guys are going to play for the Heat now," prompting Maggette and Belinelli to high-five each other, and Turiaf to shrug. The other 11 players breathed sighs of relief, and Stephen Jackson got his guns in the air in celebration. Finally, Rubio asked: "Cuando is we getting?"
"Rudy Fernandez, Joel Pryzbilla and Mark Blount", Liam announced.
"Did someone say blunt?", Captain Jack asked.
"No, Mark Blount," prompting half the team to groan. Ricky Rubio gave Liam the thumbs-up, and the three outgoing players went to pack their things. Finally, Nelson said "Okay, with this trade, we'll need Ricky to shift to the 4 and Stephen to the 5..."
Monta Ellis ran up to Liam and handed him a CD. "Hey, Liam, my man, give this mixtape a listen dawg. Its pretty dope."
"Uh, thanks Monta, will do..."
"Sweet, thanks dawg," Ellis said, running off.
Later that day...
"Still on that laptop, eh" asked Darko Milicic, Liam's best friend on the team, stemming from their fondness for Indie music. Darko had been playing horrible, but Liam freused to notice this fact, as he got him tickets for the impending Pavement reunion concert. He even traded Turiaf to clear up more time for his friend.
"Yeah, just doing GM stuff, you know?," Washburn replied.
"I don't get it though, you put several hours of the day on that laptop, and yet all you've done so far is make a couple trades and sign a couple players. There can't be that much to what you do. What takes so long?," asked Milicic.
"Can I let you in on a little secret Darko?," Washburn asked, whispering in the 7-footer's ear.
"OH. That explains everything," Darko replied. "Anyway, I better get going. If I don't sew my jersey back it up, they'll dock it from my pay. See you man."
"Later," Liam said, before getting butterflies in his stomach. 'Oh shit, he better not tell anybody...'
Don Nelson then came into Liam's office. "Liam, why the fuck did you trade Ronnie over Darko? Look at Darko's averages this year. Jesus!" Nelson shouted, before leaving the room and slamming the door. Washburn looked at the averaged and vomited a little. 'Shit...'
He then turned on the TV. "And #1 on the hip-hop charts is "Poppin' Caps (The Cap Poppin' Song)" by Monta Ellis featuring Stephen Jackson"
Somewhere in Portland...
"Make the call Bitchard," Blazers assistant General Manager Tom Penn said to the Blazers GM Kevin Pritchard.
"Get that gun away from me and I will."
"Alright fine," Penn said, shoving the phone into Pritchard's hands.
"Hello, Mr. Allen? Its Kevin. I'm afraid I quit."